Sometimes I wonder if I'm trying hard enough or if I'm just lazy. Lately I haven't really been feeling the urge to pick up my camera and take pictures or do anything photography related. I've been watching this class over on Creative Live, the same class, since early April (maybe late March?) and I still haven't completed it. Yeah, I've had Life interfere (but can Life really interfere when it's kinda what you want to do anyway?) with high school graduation and family obligations. But all that's over with for the most part, so I have free time to do whatever it is I want to do.
Which lately has been just sitting in the patio chair on our back porch and watching the birds or staring into the blue sky, not really thinking about anything.
But my thoughts do begin to wander to the why, why am I taking pictures, why do I have this urge to press a button on a black box that weighs roughly the same as a quart of milk (sometimes more depending on which lens I'm using and for how long I've been clicking that little round button). I look at other photographers on Instagram and Facebook and Flickr and wonder if they go out every day and take pictures, what sort of lives do they lead, what drives them, if they have a house keeping service and when do they get their groceries? Do they stay up until the wee hours to edit and post to their websites? How do they manage their time, especially if they have little ones?
My thoughts also wander to "am I good enough?" I'm not comparing myself to others, I've worked really hard on that this year, not letting myself get sucked into the comparison trap, especially since I primarily shoot sports now and not so much nature, food or Random Moments, so of that little accomplishment I feel proud. Am I good enough to be published, am I good enough to be noticed? But then don't we all want to be noticed and be applauded? That's just human nature, no matter how much you tell yourself you don't want to be noticed, that you shoot only for yourself . . . there's a teeny-tiny, itty-bitty part of you that would love to be published in a magazine.
I know that teeny-tiny, itty-bitty part lives in me.
You know, it's never been about how many followers/likes/thumbs up/hearts or readers of my blog I have (it was only a couple months ago that I figured out how to read my blog stats analysis page here on Squarespace. My favorite part of my stats reader is the geography tab. I love seeing where all my readers hale from!). I've always found that writing is a way for me to work things out, to feel my way through the mess inside my head and to put it all in order. I suppose that's why I take pictures, too. It's always been easier to show (and to write) what I want people to see rather try to explain verbally what it is I'm trying to show. I enjoy sharing my life with others, I enjoy telling random stories about my childhood, showing pictures of people I meet, how I live my life. That's really the reason why I write and take pictures.
Those are my thoughts on this rainy Friday afternoon. I know that I'll begin to pick up my camera on a daily basis again soon and begin to be excited once again to work at this more-than-a-hobby. I know that I will become brave enough to put out modeling calls later this summer on my FB page, I know that a sports portrait I have in my head will come to life next month. I know all that, but it is nice to have breather and a moment of quietude in the midst of creating.